new year eve

so she was at it again last night.

and the trigger point?
probably end of the year
and also because I took leave to go USS and not stay at home with her.

So. in 2012, I turn 27, and she still wants to control me.

I regret having had her use my old phone. it was a unfortunate incident that added unnecessary fuel to the current situation. And no matter how I try to convince her that it was just a 2 week phase, She will never believe me. she will never change her mind.

I want to tell her that there are so many other things that Kavin does for me. But I can't but feel that she is fully capable to interpret every single bloody damn thing in a negative light. What's the point mum? What does it do for you but put you into misery?

You say I promised to break up with him. was that all that was keeping you together? that you have hopes that your daughter will listen blindly to you just because you say so?
on what basis can you request for such a thing?
the fact that he is not chinese? the fact that he is 10 years older than me?
what kind of basis is that?

You talk about being a failure because I turned out to be like this.
Am I supposed to turn out like you than I will get the stamp of approval, that you will not be a failure?
A colleague of mine says that its sly for you to say that. because in return, you see me as a failure.
How am I a failure?

I am a failure because I let you get your way. I am a failure because I always just give in to you. I am a failure because I am not independent. I am a failure because I can't control my temper in many situations and unfortunately, it includes situations with you.

I am not a failure for being who I really am. I am not a failure for dating a non chinese. I am not a failure for sending out raunchy messages.
I am not a failure for making mistakes and learning what works for me and what doesn't. Do I know What is the best for me? I can't say I am. But I believe in experiences. I believe that nothing will move perfectly and it is what we gain from it, what we learn from it. So what if the path we walk is different from what we expect? Isn't that life?
What's the point of harping on the 'bad things' that happened to you and makes it hold you and your loved ones back?
what suits you doesn't mean it suits us.

I just want to avoid you because my sis says we know your imperfections but no one will dare to tell you about it.
And you know why? You will get emotional. You will emotionally blackmail us. You will treat it as the world has died and all things are coming to an end. That you are failure.
So what if i told you that this doesn't constitute a failure? Will you listen?
So what if I told you you've done a respectable job as a mother and me and sis respect you for it? Will you listen or just be blinded by your perception?
So what if I told you that you are not perfect? Who is?
So what if I told you that for the last 6 years, I just wanted to marry early so that I get move out of this house. not because I hated you. but simply because I NEED SPACE. I NEED INDEPENDENCE. I NEED TO KNOW WHO I AM. I NEED TO BECOME WHO I AM.

Everyone has their own opinions. We learn to deal with it. We learn to grow with it. With Simon telling you what he did, did you have to get all that emotional? Have you stopped and think that maybe you did say something before that hit a raw nerve? Whatever he did wasn't right. but was there a basis?
my guess is yes. because you like to say cynical remarks. And I always detested that about you. You say it was justifiable. I agree. Grandma definitely made mistakes. you definitely made sacrifices. we all know that. does that mean it gives you the right to be all so emotional about it?
Have you thought how your life will be like if you changed how you think?

You think i don't care about you. that i fall into the categories of an unfilial child. that all your efforts as a parent is wasted and no one appreciates what you done. Seriously. Stop thinking how you want to think. Will I still be here waiting if i didn't care?
but the fact is, i have no qualms of taking care of you. but will you accept? u probably tell me u rather die than live with us. Now you want to consult on legal matters? planning your migration?

Then I ask you. Have you even asked urself what you are doing. Have you even asked yourself whether you have a courage to face something you don't know? how hard was it for you to just have a simple dinner with him from the beginning? Have you asked yourself, this situation was caused by what? Me choosing someone that could be the one for me? Or you just refusing to try?

You say you do this for my happiness. That he won't bring me happiness. Kavin GST is the best boyfriend I ever had.
Not because he is rich. Not because he is some fancy lawyer. Not because he can sweet talk a girl. Not because we have any common interest that we are crazy about. He can't be any of this.
But one thing is that we can accept each other. We trust each other. Every perfection. Every imperfection.
I no longer spend my time arguing about what's right or not right to do in a relationship. We somehow have the natural ability to deal with each others flaws. No doubt he was an accident. No doubt he probably was a rebound. But it worked.

And the only thing stopping it is you.

After one year plus, i am still not sick of him. We are so different but when we slowly give in to each others quirks, it's an achievement. it's a fun fact that keeps things interesting.
I will suffer financially. I will suffer interest wise. but the foundation is there to build it. It's the harder way but i'm not running from it.

The only thing I have no fucking idea how to overcome is you. how we can still be a family. how he can be with us for festive dinners and movies. You say i can forget about it.
On what basis mum? Because he is non chinese?
What type fucking basis is that?

New year eve dinner. you want me to join you. I had plans, but gladly don't mind having dinner with the family. But I still need to meet him. And I have to sacrifice that for what?
He wanted to give me surprise. Something I wanted for a while. A small thing. but i can't have it. Why?

How can I sit on that dining table and pretend it's festive? You can't either. then why bother? Because you win?
I can sit there and cut myself a thousand times and it won't be as painful as me having to leave him.

another step...

first, it was the wedding that we attended together on sunday. it was our first wedding together. And though i rather not, ended up seated with my CM and drinks after.
But it was good. Finally you get to meet and hang out with my office life :)

but today's post is really for the high of today.
We chose a rental room together and got it! And i feel kinda warm and fuzzy about it.
Not that i'm going to be staying there or reaping the benefits of free parking (dammit!) or paying for it, but it was a nice couply thing.
I'm glad you asked me for my opinion.
I'm really happy you found a place that you feel really comfortable and happy with.
it was nice piece of good news to sum up the evening.


In my head now..
rose
friendly old man
drizzle
cool breezy night

i act as if know what i'm doing, as if i'm not worried at all.

the truth is i'm just avoiding it. i don't think about it.
but when i do, i can't stop the tears.

interview

So my interview, wasn't really an interview.

Nonetheless, I hope I did well and left a good impression. Now to wait for the next 1-2 weeks and hopefully, it will be something decent!
Today, i realized how grateful i am to have met someone like wp at work. she probably doesn't know this, but till now, still see her as my mentor.

Finally received the mild stamp of approval from bf. was kind of worries by your initial negative comments when i mentioned about china. what you think really matters to me.

step by step. let's see how it goes.


in my head now...

snow

Tin Tin

watched TinTin today.. it was surprisingly good! the level of detail, comic moments and direct
i think the simple concept of adventure in our childhood books and cartoons are the best!


loved our little seats in the corner, loved seeing you laugh. though i was a little affected when u push me off a bit, but all in all, it was a nice simple night :)




drafted 12Nov1am

Convent garden June 2011. By the pavement watching the evening rush hour to TGIF chill out. Live music in the background, and a really sweet German couple by my side.

Decisions

I'm happy for you baby to at least have this opportunity lay out in front of you.

I'm worried about the implications.

I trust you'll make a decision that you are comfortable with. Hopefully, you'll find a good fit :)


In my mind now:
flood
scuba gear
thai girls
baby

Been a while... again

A snapshot of this year to date:

work - slacking
love - best in the last 3 years or more
family - worst ever chemistry now
friends - can't ask for more


In my mind now:
fight but still in love
rfq
shanghai
rain
$$

awesome and inspiring

our other half

what do you look for when searching for your other half?

A well educated better half?

the half that will comply to your needs and wants?

the half that is similar to you?

the above three combined will probably give you someone that is easy to manage.. but doesn't necessary mean that the person can give you happiness.

The better half possibly provides stability when it comes to income, provides a 'safer' future. But with incidents like the recent Japan earthquake happening or a simple mistake like a car accident, who really knows what will happen tomorrow?

The half that complies might not have a backbone of their own. might not be able to help correct your mistakes and help you improve.

The half that is similar to you brings about comfort level; the easy planning of day to day activities. the con.. maybe a lack of spice in the relationship.

So what is really important?

What is it that we really want in a relationship?

I realize that our wants change as we go through different phases in our lives, or even, because of experience from past relationships.

And here's my take from past relationships:

Someone who listens to you.

Someone that you would like to listen to.

Someone who you respect

Someone who respects you back

Someone that is willing to experience change with you.

Someone that is willing to think "there is more to this world than what i know, let's discover it together"

Someone who believes in change for the better

Someone who understand why we worry.

Someone who also worries for you.

Someone who is there to support you when you need it most.

Someone that you want to be there to return the support when he or she needs it most.

Someone who makes you laugh, whenever, whenever

Someone who you can have fun with!

and most importantly, someone who wants to communicate to you and vice versa, someone you want to communicate all day with.

I can't say that I do know what i want. but that's what i'm looking for right now.

I do question if the above will enable me to be prepared for the uncontrollable factors every city bred 'kid' might face one day in their life: The financial strains, the unexpected health problems, the disapproval from family and friends.

you know my fears. and i long for you to talk to me about it instead of just waiting for me to say something, to vent my frustration or to break down. i long for you to come to me and just talk to me, to ask me how i'm doing... cuz i'm simply not strong enough. i know you think that i'm overthinking, or getting influenced by others.. but just humor me? I come as a package, and the constant insecurity, doubt comes with it.

big polar saying hi to small polar

so sweet right? but 4 yr old polar bear Knut just passed away. rest in peace!